Lost Innocence
by InfernumEquinomin
Summary: KantarouXHasumi. Hasumi watched him grow from awkward teen in college to confident demon hunter and though there were things he never wanted to admit, sometimes things jumped out at him. Things he wished he could control. Crack Pair!


Okay, I'll admit that I love HaruXKan but seriously, I'm a crack pairing expert. I HAVE to do crack, it's in my blood! I'm a total dork…

Anyhow, I've had this idea planted in my skull for a while now, as to why Hasumi hates Kantarou so much, I dunno why, but this idea latched on like a baby monkey and wouldn't stop begging to be written.

So here.

Have the damn thing…

Title: Lost Innocence.

Pairing: HasumiXKantarou

Rating: erm… T to MA, there's mentions of masturbation in it.

Warnings: sex, conflicted feeling, long ass crushes, jealousy, cursing, ect.

Disclaimer: don't own, probably never will. Unless Sakura darling would like to give it to me? *looks hopefully at lawyer*

Lawyer: nope.

Me: fuck.

Rant: no rant! Just read!

Only one, tis a one shot: Aequitas Equitas.

He hated him. Despised him. Couldn't stand to have him around because he just drove him crazy.

Even in college when Kantarou was a little more innocent he always seemed to manage to piss him off.

Well, not piss him off, Kantarou made him defensive. Guarded.

It had to have been freshman year. Spotting white hair, shocking red eyes, it wasn't hard to do, especially since even then, almost an adult, Kantarou repelled others, glares and looks and his entire demeanor just screamed 'go away'.

Hasumi was a naturally curious person. And it was Kantarou's fault for being so beautifully rebellious as to attract unwanted attention.

Seriously, if he really truly _wanted _to keep people away, he'd dye his damn hair black.

The hardest time of his life was when in his junior year, Kantarou had been held back again and he ended up rooming with him.

It killed him. Knowing that… Kantarou was there, doing the asshole's laundry and seeing those stains and having to go quickly to ignore it.

Blood and dried semen.

Blood he didn't know where from, but never in great amounts, in just hurt that Kantarou, after all the time they'd spent together and how he thought they might just be a little bit friends, he didn't say anything, just used all the alcohol pads and gauze and Hasumi always bought more.

And Hasumi just… couldn't get it out of his head that he did _that_, with him there at night, just across the room, because he'd been awake once, stifling his own sounds at the soft breathy pants that managed to get away from the exorcist and then his heart turning to ice at the soft name on his lips.

Haruka.

God he hated that name, Hasumi passed up what could have been a really good relationship because of that name. Haruka Suzumiya, she'd been sweet and asked him to call her Haru-chan but… it killed him, he hated it, and he couldn't help but dislike her just a little for it, even if it wasn't her fault.

It was Kantarou's.

Haruka, Haruka, he'd tried for so long to find out who that mystery person was, like an idiot, and eventually he'd asked Yakko and his heart had fell even harder than before.

A myth.

A legend.

A fucking _hoax_.

Hasumi's only love was infatuated with a tengu of all things! Something that didn't exist!

Kantarou _masturbated _to a _myth_. And when Kantarou started his thesis on the tengu Hasumi could tell it wasn't just a sexual thing, he was genuinely in love with a _thing _he hadn't met, seen, or even knew was real!

Well, _Kantarou _knew it was real, Kantarou who claimed to see spirits and demons and help them and had befriended them as a child.

Kantarou who still held so much childlike wonder, four years Hasumi's senior, and regardless of how he felt,

never let anyone close.

No one but those damned demons and that fucking tengu.

Hasumi decided then and there he wouldn't believe in them, because if he did then there was no chance of Kantarou snapping out of it, no chance that he might just realize that he was so wrong all those years and see how Hasumi had always been there for him, bickering and vying for their professor's attention or sitting across the room while he wasted his life in pursuit of something that didn't exist.

And then Hasumi had met the tengu, met Haruka, and had seen the way that Kantarou looked at him and in some way he felt that was probably what he had looked like all those years ago, scowling and stuffing their sheets in the wash together to save quarters and Kantaro running around the Laundromat like a puppy, pressing buttons and being a general pain. And Hasumi would watch him, the same way that Kantarou watched Haruka, out of the corner of his eye, smiling softly and wanting so badly to just hold him, just once, but knowing that Kantarou was too blocked off to let him, too resolutely strong in his emotional barriers.

And Haruka didn't notice.

Hasumi hated the tengu just for that, for not knowing all the years that Kantarou had sacrificed, that he had given up on humans and couldn't even see how much he meant to his friends, to Yakko and him, that he'd just forfeited life with humans in exchange for something deeper than Hasumi would ever admit, because even if he denied it he could see it too. He could see Muu-chan, he could see Haruka's wings and he could see as clear as anything that Youko wasn't human, but that was what Kantarou had wanted.

He didn't want human, he wanted demons.

He didn't want Hasumi he wanted that bastard tengu.

And he couldn't see that Hasumi's fingers itched to strangle Haruka every time he shot the boy down and made his eyes lower in hurt or that he yearned to just hold him close, hug him to his chest and tell him he believed him, that he'd _always _believed him, believed _in _him, that all he ever wanted was to go with him into that world and help him in any way he could.

Because despite how Hasumi hated it, hated Kantarou for never realizing, hated himself for never saying, he would do anything to help him, just short of outright giving the man things, and he would have followed him into that world, with the demons and the tengu, and the spells and rites and they would have been a great team. Would have been a great couple, and Hasumi would have been able to kiss him and guard him and help him research because though neither wanted to admit it, their greatest achievements had been in college when they'd collaborated together, Hasumi was the better researcher, but Kantarou had that flair with a pen that drove people wild, his writing was flawless, and they had won prizes together that Hasumi still listed on his resume.

He could have loved him openly, and they would have been together as long as it lasted, be it months, weeks, days or even optimistically, years, and Hasumi would have loved him more than Haruka could even begin to conceive.

But Kantarou hadn't wanted that.

He'd wanted to chase his tengu, wanted to go without Hasumi, and had loved his tengu all that time only to be heartbroken to realize that the man didn't love him back like he had planned.

And Hasumi hated the tengu for that too.

"Hasumi-chan?" Rosalie asked, looking up at him. He looked down and smiled.

"yes?" he asked, smiling softly at his daughter. She was sweet, and he loved her, but she was young and wouldn't understand how he felt going there, even if Rosalie had become fast friends with Youko and

Kantarou, and even grudgingly, Haruka.

"we're going to be late." she said softly, Hasumi looking at his watch and going wide-eyed.

"up, up, come on darling!" he lifted her to his shoulders, her squeaking and him scowling. "Ichinomiya will never let me live it down if I'm late to my own party!"

"relax a little Tou-san, it's supposed to be fun." she giggled a little and Hasumi smiled as he ran.

She called him Tou-san.

"banzai!" Kantarou announced, snapping little poppers and spraying confetti over him. Rosalie smiled softly from her seat, Hasumi clearing his throat.

"thank you for allowing Rosalie to have her party here." he said stiffly, glancing at Haruka moodily flicking a fork.

"no problem! Though there's the renting fee, the cooking fee, the cleaning fee-" Youko started and Kantarou clamped a hand over her mouth.

"hush! He wasn't supposed to know! We were going to bill the bank dummy!" the man whispered conspiratorially, Youko blushing and Hasumi crossing his arms, glaring.

"Ichinomiya you extortionist!" he yelled.

"hey! My book went out of print! It's not my fault I'm dirt poor! If you hadn't lynched on our bet and gave me only one sentence as research, I woulda been way better off, how do ya like that!"

"if you'd looked into that sentence properly you would have had enough research to feed you for years, it's not my fault you're lazy."

"why I outta-"

"presents!" Youko announced, bringing a pile out, Sugino holding one out to her reluctantly, Muu-chan squeaking happily, and Kantarou's rage faded, him stepping back and Hasumi breathing again.

Can't let him get that close.

"Hasumi," Haruka said, giving his a look. "can I speak to you?"

"of course." Hasumi nodded

Just keep from hitting him, that should be enough.

He followed the tengu out and Haruka leaned against the railing, watching him.

"you love my Kantarou, don't you?" he asked, Hasumi gaping.

"your… Kantarou doesn't _belong _to you Haruka." Hasumi narrowed his eyes at the tengu who sighed.

"knew it, look, just tell him, he knows I don't feel that way about him, tell him." Haruka crossed his arms and Hasumi relaxed. Then he panicked.

What? Kantarou knows? That Haruka doesn't love him and still he watches…

So like him to cling to whatever he can.

"I understand. Thank you." Hasumi bowed and turned back to the party, Haruka clearing his throat.

"can I get a favor?" Haruka requested, shifting nervously and Hasumi looked back.

"yes?" he asked.

"Rosalie keeps plucking my feathers, I know you can see them don't even try it, just ask her to quit okay?"

Haruka said, Hasumi frowning.

"I'll talk to her about it." he said but didn't promise, walking back in, grabbing Kantarou by the arm and hauling him out of the room, the albino boy objecting and trying to shake him off but Hasumi didn't let go.

One thing about being a make-shift father, you learn to hold on no matter what fit your child pitches.

"Ha-Hasumi you prick let me go damn you!"

"Kantarou calm down."

"let go of my arm!"

"Kan-chan, please." Hasumi said softly, submissively, and Kantarou froze, looking at him, his eyes wide and

his mouth turned into a frown.

"Hasumi… what's going on?"

"he doesn't love you." Hasumi said sharply, Kantarou's eyes widening even farther, Hasumi looking steadily into the blood red eyes. "he doesn't, and I hate him for it. After everything, you never looked back and all I want, is for you to try now that you know. I know you love him, the idea, the reality, but please…"

"Hasumi… what are you asking me?" Kantarou said, Hasumi lowering his gaze to their feet. He swallowed hard.

This was torture.

Pain and anger and sadness from years of this, and it hurt unbearably.

"Kantarou, I believe you, I always have, believed in you, I've seen them, but I didn't want to admit I lost you, not to him, not to that, I didn't want to admit I just wasn't good enough." Hasumi said, continuing on, forcing himself to say it, all of it, everything he felt and everything he wanted, not caring that the party was just continuing a few feet away, that his adopted daughter's birthday may just wield the best present, not for her, but for him. He took another unsteady breath and looked back up to soft red eyes and let that breath out all at once. "Kantarou, I want to be enough for you, to be more than Haruka can be for you, I've loved you, a long time, loved and hated and couldn't stand how much you made me hurt, but I did."

"you… Hasumi…" Kantarou's eyes were watering a little and Hasumi couldn't look at them.

Yakko was right, he's thicker than concrete.

"I just… I want to be your tengu for you, I want to make you stronger and get stronger myself, and we're a great team, even back then we could-" Hasumi started but suddenly Kantarou was kissing him and it felt like bliss.

Well, physically it was just very wet and salty, but emotionally it was like the gates of heaven had opened finally, after sitting outside and counting up your sins to see if your soul was just light enough to make it in, and finding you were.

Kantarou opened his mouth with an insistent tongue and Hasumi braced an arm against the wall, both of Kantarou's wrapped up around his neck and Hasumi's other tilting his face up.

His glasses were fogging but he wasn't looking through them anyway, his heart was beating hard but he was just glad it was still there after all these years.

Kantarou was warm and wet in his arms, crying in what he hoped was joy but would ask later, and holding onto him like he'd evaporate after saying all this, and who knows.

Maybe he would.

Kantarou's lips separated but that feeling of fulfillment, of bliss, didn't go away, even when the man's arms lowered and he chuckled sheepishly and wiped his eyes on the sleeve of his haori, apologizing for something, Hasumi wasn't concentrating on it. Hasumi just kept his arms where they were, one sneaking around his waist since he was wiping his eyes and the other still holding him up on the wall, Hasumi glad for it.

If it wasn't there, he probably would have collapsed by now.

"I'm sorry, I'm stupid, I never… I'm sorry." Kantarou said softly, Hasumi pressing their foreheads together.

"please don't cry." he said softly and swallowed hard.

"I can't, I'm an idiot." Kantarou chuckled a little, still sniffling and one chuckle sounding a little more like a sob.

"it's not your fault, it isn't." Hasumi assured him, Kantarou scowling a little.

"it is… my stupid tengu fetish or whatever…" Kantarou sniffled and Hasumi smiled a little. "you've been there, waiting, the whole time… I'm just an idiot, Yakko even tried once… god I'm so stupid…"

"stop crying, please." Hasumi kissed each tear streaked cheek and Kantarou pushed him back, wiping his face.

"can we… talk about this later, after the others leave?"

"yes."

"thank you, I need to think it over and… and I want to be alone with you later, to talk, I feel so… god… I'm so sorry Hasumi…" Kantarou took a deep breath and pushed his hair back, Hasumi smiled and kissing his forehead.

"take however long you need, trust me, I can wait." Hasumi smiled softly and walked back into the party room, smiling a little.

Rosalie smiled, patting Haruka's back, right where he wings were, and she delicately cut into her slice of cake.

"Good boy Lucifer."

End. Okay, so this ended up more massive to me than it started. I might even add a part 2 but not unless I get a good bunch of reviews!


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